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Sunday, November 10th, 2002
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3:24 am - Guess who's back, muthafacko!!!
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That's right. It's the big M dawg in this piece! For shizzy my weezy heez- alright enough of that.
Alright, it's me again. If anybody remembers, or cares, give a comment. Hell, even if you don't remember or care, give a comment.
I'm back on this dreary livejournal with the tales that will make the Arabian Nights seem like nursery ryhems. But first I've got some spring cleaning to do. Gotta clear the slate doncha know.
So, there's been some changes in my life. I'm still the super-unknown low profile style serial killer of Delaware, but now I'm out on the STREETS for that bitch ass! Yeah. I've got a "life" now. But I realized something...
A life isn't about social acceptence. It's about...making something of yourself. Developing. Growing into the skin God gave you. Some people just aren't destined to mature, though. Hell, I may have even been one of those people at one point. I just needed a little boot in the ass for that. I needed a wakeup call. I got that, in the worst way. I made a few more errors, but we're destined to in confusion. Regardless of all the past staleness, things are looking up for me.
I've also become very spiritually aware of myself too. Yeah. I won't come in on here saying "I've found God!" because I haven't. But I've got a better feel for what I believe now. I think there's some kinda higher power, and I am greatful for it. It helped me realize a lot of things about myself, and humbled me considerablly.
"Matt, I saw this with all honesty. Your body is young, but your spirit is older I am."
Tim MacFarland said this of me. I don't know what he meant by it exactly, but he said it had something to do with my "wisdom". That...really didn't make me happy. I'm not wise at all. I have a good understanding of right and wrong. I know the mentality of evil as well as good very well. That's because I've fucked up a lot. I've made a lot of mistakes, and tried to cover those mistakes up with bigger mistakes. After a while you gain an acute understanding of right and wrong. So fuck it. I'm not gonna be candid about my mistakes anymore, but I'm not gonna fuck up again.
If anybody is skeptical about what I wrote up there, get the fuck off my livejournal and don't ever look at it again. I don't need nor want your skeptical bitch-ass coming here and criticising my shit. If there's no hope for me then you get the fuck out and leave me to screw up in peace.
You know what kids? For the first time in a long while, I'm myself. I mean, I don't belong to anybody. I don't NEED to front, say I did this or say I did that to impress people. Fuck people. I'm a lame scrub with no friends, and if you don't like that you can eat a dick!
Well...I feel I've said all I have to right now. So, I'm out like a drunk girl's tits. See ya.
[edit] I just got done deleting all of my prior entries. Time for a fresh start right here. Also, It wouldn't be an LJ update without a moronic online quiz. I scored a 64% on the "are you fuckable?" Quizie! What about you?</b>
Oh yeah, I'm still fat paid too, muthafacko!
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, July 1st, 2001
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4:31 pm - *dusts this thing off*
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If anybody reads this thing anymore...something happened...I did some thinking, and some writing. Read it, and learn from it.
The time is 2:38 AM, July 1st, 2001 as I begin this writing. I am writing for a more righteous cause than to just document a story that had brewed in my mind. For once, I am able to compile my thoughts into something I can reflect on, so that I need no longer backtrack on the journey of self discovery. The heavy emotional burden of the year past has provoked my mind to the point where I can no longer hold my thoughts into my own head...I must let my opinions free, and my mind display and sort through that in which I feel must be released. I assure you that what is being written is an exact projection of my thoughts, and have not been modified in any way for the sake of political correctness, or any other reason that may provoke controversy.
What is the relevancy of the thoughts of a fifteen year old insomniac to the rest of the world? Absolutely nothing, if that is all one hopes to achieve. If a person is reading to critique or ridicule these workings, then they are reading for the wrong reasons. If they are reading, their motive should be to listen, and perhaps learn a few things about what my mind tells me.
Morality is a bitch. For some, it is the system of rules they?re predecessors created, that they are afraid to bend or break. For others, it is the false illusion that they can do what ever they feel, as long as they ?bend? the rules, and stay within ?the limits?. For others still, morality is a genuine, firmly established way of life. Every person has their own opinions on right or wrong, but there are some who seem to think ?It?s wrong when that person did it, but not for me because I?m more aware than he/she.? Those are the kinds of people who hold themselves too highly to actually admit they did something that?s socially unacceptable. I find it ironic that so many people who claim to have morals see fit to break them when it suits their own needs, then try to say that they?ve done no wrong, or just shrug it off and figure ?Oh, nobody cares.? ..and after all that, they believe themselves to be strong in their morals and beliefs.
Is it all religious? No. Of course not. Not for me. Never had to attend church once in my life...I don?t have a firm grasp of god, or a good relationship with Jesus. I just decided to use common sense: Go into life as an observer, not a leader, nor a follower. Be patient. Evaluate. And live. Discover through your own judgement of people, and find out who you are. Don?t establish yourself based upon trends and fashion, because it?s all a dead end. Ask yourself: If you listen to music, do you see yourself listening to those same songs in twenty years? If you think that it will be too out dated by then, you?ve been listening to it for all the wrong reasons. A song should serve as a reminder of the days of your youth, not as a marker. It?s okay to try new things, but you must remember to keep the old close to your heart, so you don?t lose the reminders of the times. Sometimes we just aren?t ready for new things, other times the newer things are better left untouched...until you have a better understanding of it, and you?re wise enough, and old enough, and most importantly: Until you understand if it can truly make you happy.
To better understand, take a look at pop culture. Pop culture thrives on that kind of repetitiveness and bad judgement. People don?t seem to realize how badly the pop scene screws them: They pump out the same crap every year and sell it to the same naive people because they know what appeals to them. At the same time they trick no-talent hacks into believing they?re some kind of new ?sensation?. When you think about it, a sensation is most likely something that appears, then goes just as quickly as it came, because it is followed by newer ?sensations?. So, on the radio, when the DJ uses the term sensation, you can assume he really means ?flavor of the month?. Now, don?t you feel a bit silly knowing that you were being used to further the wealth of some songwriter for a boy band in florida?
People have grown impatient. They no longer know how to value the long term, and as a result they aim too low. They settle with a quick fix...something that?ll make you feel better about yourself for a short while, but when it?s over, you come back to the realization that what just took place was a random bout of ?Fun?, much like a day at the roller rink, or...perhaps...a few bounces on a trampoline. After that, it ends. You?ve got nothing to look forward to except for the next time you get to bounce on that trampoline, and you?re ultimately left empty and sad. People who make those kinds of mistakes will be miserable for days, and will refuse to accept the fact that it was their own damn fault.
Ah, but why do these people make those kinds of mistakes? It is the illusion known as control. The feeling and sensation (there?s that word again) that you?re calm, and cool, and can think for yourself......BULLSHIT. Chaos is a factor in everything. As a matter of fact, chaos is THE factor. People who claim to have self control only say that because they lack personal understanding of just how random and unstable every single thing is. They say ?I?m thinking clearly. I know what?s going on. I?m doing this all on my own will.? to assure them that chaos has nothing on them...but then these people are amazed at their own level of self control. If you had control over yourself so well, what in god?s name is so surprising? ...I suppose there?s questions even a cynical, fifteen year old insomniac can?t answer. The time is exactly 3:30 AM, July 1st, 2001 as I conclude my writing.
The time is 8:01 AM, July 1st, 2001 as I begin my writing. I had caught some sleep right after I concluded the above paragraphs. I?m awake now, and listening to Van Halen. Music inspires me, and it drives me to write. I find that when listening to music, I can think clearer and type at a consistent pace- almost as though my fingers were dancing to the sounds emitted from my computer speakers...damn, that sounds corny.
Even in the waking hours of the morning, my mind is spewing forth thoughts, opinions, and observations. Before I actually arose this morning, I sat in bed and thought about my cynical method of thinking, and about cynicism in general. Does the world need cynicism? Yes, but in a controlled degree, and in small amounts. ?Cynicists? like myself are more than just over-observant, over-opinionated, rebellious assholes. We (or at least I) like to analyze, and go slow, picking at the hypocrites, bigots, and all-around morons who make the world a difficult place to live in.
It?s not very nice for humans to judge other humans. I agree, it?s not, but it?s something that needs to be done, and like all things, it must be done responsibly. If one is to judge, they must judge based upon the correct elements. They should judge based upon the actions of people, not the richness of their character, nor the physical traits, or based upon crude stereotypes...over all, base your opinions on what you see. Not by a generalization, and not based on their lifestyle, opinions, or anything that else that- over all- neither you nor they can help. Discrimination, we?re all taught that it?s bad...yet we all do it at one point in our lives.
People need discrimination as much as a giraffe needs a Volkswagen, yet they crave and enforce it. All people discriminate for some reason or another. I discriminate against the weak, stupid, immature people who lack the ability to control themselves, those who lack respect, but at the same time are not wise enough to make their own decisions. Also against those who hate unconditionally, or for the ?wrong? reasons.
I discriminate because I worked hard to attain and establish my beliefs and morals, then I have to cope with seeing people shit all over them by doing foolish or illegal things around me, throwing away all regard for myself...which ultimately leaves me hurt, and upset. Especially if it were a friend...not even a close friend, but a friend, who is doing these things. I continually bend and concede out of respect for others, but when it comes time for me to entrust faith in them, and they cast a blind eye toward my personal beliefs and well being, my heart starts beating fast...and I feel the sick, lingering twist of betrayal in my gut.
In my room, I have a Cradle of Filth Tour 2000 t-shirt. It depicts a half-naked nun masturbating over a bible, and on the back is the phrase ?JESUS IS A CUNT?. There?s an obvious reason I don?t wear that shirt in public. I don?t like to offend people, I have more respect for them than that (I?m only bringing up that particular item because it?s best to accentuate what I?m trying to illustrate). Now, try to imagine if you were a Christian or what have you, how you would feel upon seeing a man wearing it in your church. You would be upset that this person has no respect for your beliefs, most likely. I?m cynical, to the point where I analyze, break apart, and disprove everything, including my own morals...but I try to maintain respect for the opinions of others, too. It?s upsetting to see the number of people who don?t think similar to me, but I could never hate a person for such a pathetic reason. If this person has no regard for my own morals, then I no longer wish to be apart of this person?s life...I can?t change them, much as they can?t change me.
(Note: I am not a devil worshiper or anything of the sort. The Cradle of Filth shirt is simply a souvenir I picked up at a concert last year, and does not reflect my opinions and thoughts on Jesus, God, or the bible. It is a shirt, and nothing more.)
I think the majority of American youths are idiots, this includes myself, my friends, their friends, and so on. Myself? I lack common sense. I often times end up acting the fool, because I decide to do random, spontaneous stunts that may hurt myself or others, and on a few occasions, have. Very seriously. I make mistakes, as all other youths do. I succumb to peer pressure, and end up doing something I regret...because, sometimes I just crave adrenaline
In my short time on Earth I have seen five year old with the mouths of truckers, thirteen year old girls who have had sex...with sixteen year old boys, no less. They all find ways to justify their actions, and that?s just sad. It sickens me, how in this world those things can happen, and then they see it as justified. The sixteen year old has sex with the thirteen year old for one obvious reason: The little girl is undeveloped, and don?t have an understanding of love, and he flatters her, and makes her feel like an adult. In other words, thirteen year old girls are just plain easy to manipulate. Nobody sees that. They justify it by saying they?re in love, or that they?re more mature than most people, or that they?re just having fun.
Sex is such a controversial issue that the only answer to the question ?When is the right time for sex?? is ?Whenever you feel you?re ready. ? ...and, we?re taught this during the age where we change relationships like pairs of socks. For impatient teenagers, any time is the right time. I blame the amount of underage sexual activity in America on a number of things: Bad parenting, sexual repression, and stupid people.
I?m an old-fashioned guy in a modern world. I wasn?t raised to be old fashioned, I just know that once upon a time, things made sense. Once upon a time, parents knew what the hell they were doing! Today, most parents grant their children too much freedom, and they?re far too lenient. They don?t monitor their children, they don?t teach their children, and then they are surprised when their children grow to disrespect them. Some parents get concerned with the amount of violence on TV, and in video games, and so forth, so they complain and bicker until things are ?fixed? or changed. Ironic, huh? They?ve disciplined and parented the television more than they have their own children. They are no longer see fit to teach. Parents leave it up to the schools and sometimes religion to tell their children the good from the bad. Why is this? Well, probably because they were raised similarly...in times of angst and rebellion. I wonder...am I the only person who sees the late 1960's as a time when America went apeshit? It makes me sick how parents have turned such a blind eye to their children. What?s worse is when they discover their child has experienced sex, or illegal drugs, they say ?Oh, they?re just being kids.? ...and they don?t do anything....it?s sad.
Sexual repression...why does it exist? It goes hand-in-hand with bad parenting. It was created to ?protect? our children from the inevitable. Suddenly, sex became a sin...and then, when the times began to change, people just got weird with sex. People became rebellious and stupid...suddenly, there was sexual freedom. Yeah. That was fun, while it lasted. Thank god for the AIDS virus. Sex is still very ?naughty? and ?dirty? in these days, and for a bunch of kids who think they?re adults, ?naughty? ?dirty? stuff is translated into ?good clean fun?. Perhaps they should start teaching about love, intimacy, and the responsibilities that come with both, rather than pretend sex doesn?t exist until a child turns twelve.
It?s not all the parents? blame that teens are morons, the youths themselves lack common sense. Have young adults these days lost their minds, or just lost their balls? Why do they collapse under peer pressure so easily? They?re scared, that?s why. I?m sick of it. If people who can?t pull their head out of the other?s person?s ass and say ?Oh...wow. I can see, and think for myself again!? People sell their souls...or at least, their common sense, to play the funniest game of follow the leader ever.
Sometimes sex is simply the result of the ones who?ve learned how to manipulate. They flatter, or drug, or establish such a bond with a person that it doesn?t even require a steady relationship...just good friendship...for sex to initiate. Those who are self-centered...and ultimately screw everything up for their ?partner? (who actually deserves the title of ?tool? or ?pawn?).
Why am I so concerned with the lives of others, and how they?re raised? Well, I look at all the people in this world...how screwed up they make their lives, how miserable they make me, and the ones I love...then I shudder, realizing that these people are going to one day run this god damn country. They?re gonna be our doctors, lawyers, politicians, mothers, fathers, teachers, mentors...and after that all hits my mind, the only word that does justice to my feelings is: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Drugs...the literal bane of my existence. They hurt people, and make them weak minded and stupid. I?ve had many, many bad experiences dealing with people and drugs. My friends and family have been hurt by them before. I realize that what I?ve been writing has been mostly opinions based upon experiences...but with drugs, I know them all too well. I?ve had them in my home, in my neighborhood, and I despise them. They make people feeble and unproductive...Illegal substances cause people to become so absolved in themselves, that eventually the only thing that matters to them is the pleasure they get from the drugs. Anybody who tries stuff like that who isn?t in extreme pain, or born addicted, is fucking pathetic.
In our society, every single person is trained to be a driving economic force. Those who indulge in drugs eventually become unfit for society. They can?t work, or be productive...they?re useless. They?re no longer human, they?re just the emotions of craving and feeling. It?s a waste. You?ve given up control, once you?ve done it.
You know what my favorite types of drugs are? Heroine and ecstacy. Here?s why: They?re highly lethal. I?m pretty sure that sounds sick, and I?m not proud that I think that, but it?s true. I love the fact that the foolish prick who decides to take that crap is likely to die due to using it. It?s very cruel to think things like that, but when a person makes the decision to become weak, then this person is expendable. The time is 11:34 AM, July 1st, 2001 as I conclude my writing.
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| Saturday, April 21st, 2001
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4:01 pm - TROWA MAN!!!!
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